Uniquely French
Pirates Battle Report

For our first battle of 2008, the usual suspects agreed on a slightly generous 45 points for fleets. We also had a generous helping of 12 wild islands, in a ring of eight surrounding a ring of four. We had hoped that the Dangerous Lady Lora would join us, but she was busy in the galley, and no pirate ever wants to interrupt the cook.

The inner four islands and half of the outer eight were occupied by dinosaurs. These followed my "Ted the T-Rex" rules; the first ship each turn that loaded gold at a dinosaur island had to roll a die. On a 5, the dinosaur would bite off a mast; on a 6, it would stomp on a crew. The dinos themselves were cute rubber toys from Cadet-Captain Mike's childhood, and didn't look very threatening.

As soon as the fleets were in position, Paul and Richard began trying to make alliances. Mike wasn't interested in team play today. Daniel might have chosen an ally, but Mike pointed out that this would automatically make Daniel and Mike into enemies, and Mike's fleet was Daniel's nearest neighbor. Daniel saw the wisdom in this, and accepted a three-turn non-aggression pact with Mike instead.

Once the ships left port, Mike noted with some amusement that the others were in absolute terror of his big ship. They all assumed that this was the Revolution version of Old Ironsides, which requires two hits to remove a mast. They didn't know there was another version of the Constitution, and he was in no hurry to tell them otherwise.

Paul and Daniel got their first loads of gold just about simultaneously. One of the two treasures on Daniel's first island was a unique, Whirlpool. This had no effect, since we weren't using whirlpools, but this began a trend that dogged him all day long. Le Superbe landed at a dinosaur island, rolled low, and took two low-value coins on board, then resumed course for Richard's fleet.

Very shortly thereafter, the shooting started. Paul fired the first cannonballs of the day when his Cat's Claw took out Richard's Sea Tiger. The Rattlesnake was in position to shoot back, and it got one of Paul's masts, then moved to tow the Sea Tiger home. The Treachery and Sea Rat were about to join the fray when the long shadows cast by Daniel's fleet fell across the bay. Le Superbe plowed into the pack of smaller ships with all guns blazing, and swiftly reduced the Cat's Claw and Rattlesnake to derelicts, and took out four of the Bonhomme Richard's masts and one of the Sea Rat's for good measure. (This might be the best dice rolling we've ever seen from the Flying Frenchman.) The sea was so cluttered with derelicts that, when Le Superbe wanted to turn her broadside and rake the Bonhomme Richard, she couldn't find room to do it, and had to pull alongside instead. Le Courageux found nothing left worth shooting at, so she prepared to join L'Intrepide in loading some gold.

On the other side of the bay, the Cadet Captain's fleet was getting warmed up. His first victim was Paul's Jarvis, which was approaching in a threatening way, or that's how the Mercury's skipper reported it afterward. The American sub rammed the Jarvis twice; the first attempt was ineffective, but the second cost Paul a mizzenmast. The Constitution pulled alongside and used her short-range bow and stern guns to finish the job. The Philadelphia (which had just picked up two one-gold coins) finished the trifecta by crashing into the Jarvis and whisking her home. Home sounded good to Richard, too; both his ships headed for repairs.

Now Mike was on a roll. His next victim was the Shamrock; the Constitution caught her on her second cruise, with two 2-point coins in her cargo holds, and blew her to bits. One coin went to Mike; this doubled the treasure he'd brought home so far. It was only now that he admitted he wasn't using the "old" Old Ironsides with the double-tough masts, but the "new" Old Ironsides with the cannon bonus against Pirates. Even with that bonus, he still managed to miss with one cannon, but the rest did the job.

Suddenly, Paul was down to one ship (Treachery); Richard had two (Bonhomme Richard and Sea Rat) with one mast each; and Daniel's and Mike's fleets were both intact. Can you guess what happened next, or do I have to draw you a picture?

You guessed it -- Mike went after Daniel. The Constitution splintered both masts on L'Intrepide, which had just loaded two gold (one of them a unique, Curse of Davy Jones). The Mercury chased down Le Courageux and rammed her while submerged, taking away both her mainmast and her defensive ability. The French ship turned aside to a wild island, successfully ignored the defending dinosaur, and loaded two treasures (one of which was another unique, Weapons).

Daniel's big ship closed the range with Mike's big ship, and the battle of the five-masters began. Daniel's luck remained good; he leveled three of Old Ironsides' masts. If Mike's ship had been acting alone, he surely would have run for home. But he wasn't alone.

The Constitution's last two cannons roared, and both scored hits. Then the Mercury's alarm klaxon blew three times ("Why do you keep making that noise?" asked Paul), and the sub rose to the surface, guns at the ready. Three cannonballs flew from the American sub, and three masts crashed onto the Frenchman's decks. Derelict! Old Ironsides sank her the next turn, and used Divers to claim both her treasure coins.

In the meantime, Le Bon Marin had made her second gold cruise. She cleaned out one island (and found another unique, Scurvy), then landed at another island, outfoxed a dinosaur (it would have killed a crew if he had any), and turned up yet another unique. This was an Abandoned Crew, a Helmsman in this case, and it gave Daniel a much-needed speed boost. The Philadelphia had been about to ram and board her, but now she couldn't catch the speedy Frenchman, so she turned and headed for the sound of the guns. Close behind her, the captured and partially repaired Jarvis was making a run for a gold-filled island. She, too, overcame the guardian dinosaur and picked up some treasure.

Also in the meantime, Paul's Treachery had raised the Thompson's Island fort on an empty island. He tried the same trick with the Devil's Maw fort on another island, but realized, too late, that he didn't have enough gold. The damaged Constitution ran down the Treachery a turn later and left her mastless with two hits from her two remaining masts. Paul spent the next few turns asking people to attack his fort so he could have something to do.

The Mercury now began a frustrating session of target practice. In two turns of firing at the damaged Le Courageux and the mastless L'Intrepide, her three 2-rank cannons scored precisely one hit, which left Le Courageux in a mastless state. The Philadelphia had finally arrived, and she stole home with her second prize of the day, Le Courageux. Mike's sub eventually finished off L'Intrepide and took half her sunken gold.

By this time, Richard's ships had finished their repairs, and both set course for Paul's fort. Their reasoning was simple: Richard needed gold, and the fort had gold in it. In any case, Paul got his wish. The Bonhomme Richard's first salvo took out two of the fort's four cannons. The fort shot back and missed everything.

Mike's Mercury joined the battle and knocked down two of Richard's masts. Richard shot back; his first shot bounced off the American sub's tough hull, causing Mike to gloat a bit about his Le Courageux-like ability (and causing Daniel to make a gesture that looked suspiciously like backhanding Mike across the cheek). Richard's other cannons were able to damage one part of the sub. The fort and sub together finished off the Bonhomme Richard, Mike chipped away one more cannon off the fort, and that was the end of that exchange. The Sea Rat landed on the suddenly-undefended island and prepared to load the gold that once paid for Paul's fort.

All that was left of Daniel's fleet was Le Bon Marin, and that little ship's luck had finally run out. She tried to raid the last dinosaur island, but the smiling green Dimetrodon got the drop on the Frenchman and bit off her only mast. Daniel loaded the island's gold anyway (and got yet another unique, Enemy of the State). The damaged but still angry Constitution was poised to sink Le Bon Marin and take her gold... but it was at this point that the battle was deemed over. The crew of Daniel's last ship could be forgiven for thinking, "Sauvés par la cloche" (saved by the bell).

Mike won on gold by a large margin, in spite of having no gold ships in his fleet. Daniel was second with no ships left, Paul third with only a damaged fort left, and Richard fourth with an intact but crewless junk still floating. Daniel insisted that he would have won if he'd found five more gold coins and five fewer unique treasures, and it might well be true.

If Paul made any mistakes, it was to send the Jarvis to face Mike alone while his smaller ships made trouble for Richard. Richard's error was in choosing very slow ships for his fleet -- he would have done better if he'd just taken two small ships instead of three, and put Helmsmen on both of them. It also would have helped Richard if Paul and Daniel hadn't tag-teamed his fleet, one after the other. Daniel didn't make any mistakes; he was simply outfought, and once his fighting ships were gone, his gold ships had no future. Mike took great pleasure in showing the sons of a submariner how to wage war beneath the sea.

Scribed this day, the Seventeenth of January,
the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand Eight,
by Cadet-Captain Mike

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